Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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