I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
