Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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