I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
