I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
