Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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