How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
