did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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