my mouth tastes like poor choices
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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