turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize