I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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