why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize