woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
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