Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
