Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
