I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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