I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
