ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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