I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
