Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
