He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
