I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
