Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
