I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize