What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
