I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
