I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
