i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There's always time for handjobs
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize