TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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