I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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