Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
