Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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