There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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