I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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