from now on my penis is your penis
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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