How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
