I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
