I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
