made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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