break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone came in the potted fern
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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