i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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