I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
