I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
