My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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