Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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