i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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