My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
