I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
