TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
