Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
