some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
