new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
