You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
