Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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