i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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