my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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