I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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