He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
