Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
