I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize