i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
