Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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