sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Text me some of your sweat
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
