I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
