Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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