Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
