I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
