Ketchup is God's man juice
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize